I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
