we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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