When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
