I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
