I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
