Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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