The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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