I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
