I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I think I have vodka in my lungs
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
