I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
