good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
