"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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