I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
