dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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