There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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