Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
