Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
