Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
