When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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