My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
