the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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