I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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