Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I supernannyed him into submission
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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