I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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