Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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