The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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