Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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