consequently i now know what mace tastes like
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
