Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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