I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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