Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
