he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
