So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
