so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
