Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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