You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
