He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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