you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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