Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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