i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
