it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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