What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
