Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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