I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
we're so committed to being not committed
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
