just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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