i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
