We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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