I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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