So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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