when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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