is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
