I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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