where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I got inside last night via doggy door
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize