He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
