based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I need moral support for this bender
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
