I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
