im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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