dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
