Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
