A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
