shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
