They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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