He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize