Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
